Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
