anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
