I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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