i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
