Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
