I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
