just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
