My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
