My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
