i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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