Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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