hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
