my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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