I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
