I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
