definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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