Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My ass is underappreciated
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
