i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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