I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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