Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
