I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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