So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
