i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
