Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
