update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
