I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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