so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
