I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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