I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my being single is dangerous.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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