If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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