i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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