its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
