One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
