Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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