If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
