I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
