I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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