he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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