I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
