3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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