u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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