Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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