Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
