He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
