I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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