Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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