dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
