Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
