i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
