I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
