Yo dont text me then not text me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
