Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
